these past few months (or years? idk) has been very tough to me eventho no one knows how tough it is because i look perfectly normal. sigh its really sad how one day ill seem to have everything going right then the next day ill lose everything so fast.
well clearly my friends are ashamed having me as a friend. i am so sick of saying sorry for the things i didnt do. why is it always my fault? why do people always put the blame on me? i know my friends hate me but thats okay, because i hate myself too and i do also blame myself for not being good enough. i blame myself for everything. stop pointing out my flaws, because ive already seen it. every second, every minute, every hour. trust me, youre not the only one.
god, im so fucking tired of living. why cant you just take me away from here and put me in hell as i deserve it because of all of my sins.. haih. i hate myself im sorry god. i literally screw everything up including my life. sometimes i wonder why cant i make people around me proud of having me. why am i still alive. life is exhausting..
wouldnt it be great if i decided to kill myself earlier so i dont have to meet you and face all kind of problems just like whats happening now. no, im not saying youre causing me troubles but youre apart of it. my life should be getting better by now, but instead, it gets more depressing.
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see, i dont know how to say this and i dont know how the fuck did this happen but my friend saw the cuts on my wrist because i accidentally pull my sleeves up, ahah wow. when she saw it, she said "are those fresh?" as soon as she said that, i covered it up and then bam "oh now you know how to cover it up" idk man. dont you think shes judgemental? because i do. see, you shouldnt say that because its hella harsh. i get heartache the moment she said that aka i almost cried. sigh you know nothing okay..
well yes tbh i was really pissed off. you did not just said that to someone whos battling with depression and anxiety for the past 4 years. you obviously dont understand how i feel and it sucks because you used to see more. you have no idea whats going on in my head and life everyday. you dont understand how i feel. if im not that stress or depress i wont attempted suicide, thinking about dying everyday or even cut myself. see, depression is a fucking mental disorder and people shouldnt make it as a trend because having depression and anxiety all at once suck.
i never like myself anyway. how i look, how i talk, how i walk, everything. i tend to tell people to be strong and dont be sad. you might call me hypocrite for not taking my own advice but really, im just trying to save people from having the habits that i cannot stop. i shouldnt be here, living but entah ah weh
i gave you everything but im still not good enough.
